Things unsaid

These blogs are an effort to bridge the gap between justice impacted families and directly
impacted individuals . The objective is to provide a voice to the voiceless and bring healing to the many families and children that have been Indirectly impacted by this system .

Many of you know I have been indirectly impacted by the justice system for 8 years. Like many
of you I have centered my life around the lifestyle of my incarcerated Loved one.
”They say you
never really know someone until you have lived with them , had a baby with them , or married them”.

Although all those circumstances are valid, as a family member you never know someone’s character until you have consistantly done a bid with them . As much as a Rider that I was , I was forced to look at my situation objectively and recognize how it impacted my household. As heartbroken as my reality was, I was forced to heal in solitude. At that moment I was able to hear the voice of God.

“The mission was much bigger than one individual, the mission was for the many women and children that suffered in silence”.

My healing journey began once I decided to forgive and be obedient to the calling. Although I still support the many
movements and organizations dedicated to restorative justice, I must be transparent about my experiences. And if we truly want to Reform this system we must address more than policies to rebuild the community.

Once you are completely submerged in the lifestyle, you never notice the years that pass by. It’s almost like you are in an alternative universe completely separate from the real world we currently live in. Considering the circumstances, this is completely unhealthy and aloof from reality. Being submerged in the title of mother, wife, girlfriend, or baby momma, you don’t notice the needs of others that live in the same reality as you. Consumed by your loved ones expectations & demands you often lack the capacity to feel and understand anything outside of the situation you’re in.In my opinion the demand that Incarceration buts on families is unjust .

Full Transparency: The pressure that families experience is unbefitting and indelicate to one’s instinctive nature. Oftentimes, families that are already in lack are forced to make unreasonable sacrifices to cater to needs influenced by prison politics. These sacrifices are not beneficial to the families that have been subjecting to incarceration. Supporting an individual under those circumstances is a gamble of time you cannot get back. On one hand, supporting an incarcerated person can have significant emotional, social, and financial benefits to them but on the contrary can be depleting to the families who support them .With acknowledging both positive and negative aspects ,Providing emotional support through letters, visits, or phone calls can help reduce feelings of loneliness, depression, and isolation for the incarcerated person. This reminds them that they are not forgotten and can give them hope and motivation. Support can help preserve and even strengthen bonds with family, friends, or loved ones during that time as long as there is healing and continuous growth. Connecting to the inside can foster a sense of continuity while helping the individual reintegrate into society once released, which as a result encourages rehabilitation.

The problems mostly occur when the individual constantly has to battle with the person they need to be under those circumstances and the person they should be for their families. Most justice impacted individuals have to change who they are to survive, because they are in a repetitive state of trauma . Due to this reality families receive the residual effects of incarceration. Upon post incarceration they are still subjected to the unstable mental state they will be in from the draconian sentences they have served.

families are often the last to be considered throughout and after a bid , which makes many question why we sacrifice your time ? Sometimes the only response is silence because no one can truly understand your position until they have embarked on the journey themselves. For me it was out of nothing but genuine love. I was naive to the realities of supporting someone under
these circumstances and my sense of security came from knowing the individual prior to
incarceration.All I saw was a friend whose story needed to be told. I honestly felt a strong sense of moral fulfillment knowing that I made an effort to contribute positively to someone’s life.The least I could have done was listen . My love may be overzealous, but that is simply a reflection of its purity. We advocate relentlessly on supporting justice-impacted individuals and their families but fail to acknowledge the emotional and psychological toll we face. The truth is, supporting an incarcerated person can be emotionally draining, especially if their situation feels unfair or if the process of their rehabilitation is slow or uncertain. This will take a toll on your mental health and as a result your
physical health. You may often feel torn between helping your incarcerated loved one and taking care of your own well-being. Oftentimes, you’re left with feelings of guilt, anger, or resentment but you push past those feelings acknowledging they will always lack more because of where they are. To be clear there is nothing rehabilitating about incarceration, it’s impossible to heal in
the same place that broke you . It also doesn’t help if your loved ones cannot safely process
their emotional struggles to develop the emotional maturity to understand, support, or respect these realities that families are faced with because of them.This invisible wall of complexities and inefficiencies of the legal system makes it impossible for your needs to be met. Thus often leaving you unequally yoked in a relationship. The treatment
of incarcerated individuals can cause stress and frustration for those trying to provide support. The residual effect of this treatment can cause misplaced anger that can oftentimes be abusive to their families. Prison communication services such as phone calls, video calls, and email access can be very expensive, putting a financial strain on supporters who want to maintain
regular contact. Visiting an incarcerated person can involve travel expenses, accommodation,and time off work. In some cases, these expenses can be substantial, especially if the facility is far from home. The pressure one must endure for love is questionable. I understood what I was
sacrificing for it, but was it worth it?
The stigma and uncanny judgment from friends, family, and colleagues for supporting someone who is incarcerated is unbearable and completely unfair. As if life wasn’t difficult enough, we now have to rebuild communities to find emotional support. This causes families to suffer in silence, constantly having to fight for respect and love that is never fully reciprocated. Society often views incarcerated people through a negative lens, and this always affects the families’ social relationships and reputation. As a result, I lost everything. It strains personal relationships and causes conflict within my own family. My turning point became clear when I became a mother. At that point, I was able to take heed of one’s core values and move accordingly. Sometimes, major life changes can illuminate truth in the most tyrannical way.

Throughout this journey, I have learned to reconnect with God to love myself unconditionally.This by far has been the most challenging experience I have ever faced in my life. Recognizing trauma bonds and acknowledging abuse in any form is the most awakening event that can take place in a person’s life. Choosing to heal & forgive after being disappointed is the first step to
spiritual redemption. Taking accountability is the second.
For someone like myself, I acknowledge and take accountability for embarking on that journey and staying after acknowledging it for what it was. Loving someone harder will not make them love you correctly or change their behavior. If a person is genuinely not willing to do the inner work, they will infect everyone else around them. I have seen many families suffer abuse through supporting their loved ones under these circumstances. Some of which I will keep to myself to protect the individuals. The reality is, a person cannot be their best version of self living in a narcissistic environment. We need to recognize we are all reflections of our environment and mental state. Healing after abuse is a challenging and deeply personal process. It involves addressing the physical, emotional, and psychological impacts of what happened, and it’s important to recognize that healing doesn’t follow a linear path. It may be tempting to downplay or minimize this, but acknowledging it for what it is helps
validate your feelings and experiences. Finding a therapist that specializes in trauma or abuse can provide a safe space to process your feelings and experiences of what you endured while supporting a loved one under those circumstances. Connecting with others who have gone through similar experiences can help you feel less isolated. Take the time to focus on activities that promote your physical, mental, and emotional well-being. This could include exercise, art,meditation, or spending time in nature. Setting boundaries is the hardest part of healing, but it is the most essential.

It’s important to set boundaries with people in your life, especially if they were involved in or minimized the abuse. Do not feel guilty for standing your ground. This may
involve limiting contact or removing certain people from your life altogether. Break your routine,say “no” when you need to, and give yourself permission to prioritize your healing.
Abuse can trigger a wide range of emotions, including anger, sadness, shame, and guilt. Allow yourself to feel and express these emotions rather than suppressing them. Writing in a journal,creating art, or speaking to a trusted friend can help. Cry it out!

Forgiving yourself is important, especially if you blame yourself for what happened. Whether or not you choose to forgive the abuser is up to you; it’s not required for healing. Abuse can damage your sense of self. It is not your fault if they violated your trust. Engaging in activities that make you feel competent and valued can help rebuild self-esteem. Buy yourself flowers, write yourself a loving letter, take the time to make yourself feel beautiful. Speak positive affirmations, and surround yourself with supportive people who respect and uplift you. This can help strengthen your sense of self-worth.

Trauma can leave lasting effects, including triggers, flashbacks, and negative thought patterns.If you plan on allowing yourself to love again, please work on your trauma responses. Having strategies to manage triggers, anxiety, or panic attacks can help you feel more in control.Mindfulness, grounding exercises, and breathing techniques can be effective tools. Healing is a long-term journey that doesn’t have a set timeline. Be patient and compassionate with yourself,even when progress seems slow or setbacks occur. Try to consider practices such as yoga, meditation, or spiritual rituals. These can help connect you to a sense of peace or purpose. Some find that engaging with spiritual beliefs provides a source of strength and comfort. It’s important to know that you’re not alone and that healing is possible, even if it feels overwhelming at times. The goal is not necessarily to forget what happened but to integrate the experience in a way that allows you to move forward and reclaim your life.
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Identifying abuse
psychological or emotional abuse-refers to harmful behaviors that don’t involve physical
contact but still have a significant negative impact on a person’s mental and emotional
well-being.
Verbal abuse -Insults, name-calling, or constant criticism aimed at demeaning the
person.

• Yelling, screaming, or swearing to intimidate or belittle.
• Making demeaning or
  derogatory comments, even in a “joking” way.
  Emotional Manipulation – Using guilt, shame, or fear to control someone’s actions or
  decisions.
  or perception.
  way”).
• Gaslighting, which involves making the victim question their reality, memory,
• Blaming the victim for the abuser’s behavior (e.g.,
  “You made me act this
  Isolation – Controlling who the person can see, speak to, or spend time with.
• Preventing
  the person from engaging in activities they enjoy or keeping them away from friends and
  family.
• Monitoring communication (texts, emails, calls) to limit outside contact.

Financial Abuse – Controlling the victim’s access to money or financial resources.

Forcing the victim to account for every expense.

• Restricting the victim from working or
  pursuing educational opportunities.
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  Threats and Intimidation – Threatening to harm the victim, others they care about, or
  pets.
• Threatening self-harm to manipulate the victim.
• Intimidating through gestures,
  looks, or by destroying property. Or sending outsiders to threaten you .
  Withholding Affection – Using affection, love, or attention as a bargaining tool.
  the “silent treatment” or withholding intimacy to punish or control.
• Giving
• Alternating between
  affection and cruelty to keep the victim off balance.
  Digital Abuse – Using technology to control or harass, such as frequent texts or tracking
  location.

– Publicly shaming, humiliating, or spreading rumors about the victim online.

Controlling access to social media or monitoring online activities.
Impacts of Non-Physical Abuse The effects can be severe and long-lasting, leading to issues
such as anxiety, depression, PTSD, low self-esteem, and difficulties in relationships. Though it
doesn’t leave visible scars, it is no less harmful than physical abuse.Know your worth and walk away!